


Remember The Person Who Loved You, And Whom You Still love

by NilDesperandum



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Family, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Slow Dancing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 07:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20042002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NilDesperandum/pseuds/NilDesperandum
Summary: I've decided to get into drabble writing and writing small ficlets after my partner requested me to write her some Berena with some prompts she gave me. I'm not promising they are all going to be happy but i hope you enjoy them none the less...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, had to start off with some angst....

** Always  **

“I heard the doctors. Tell me it’s not true?”

Serena doesn’t look at the other woman from where she’s lying in bed. If she does then she has to acknowledge the truth and she isn’t ready.

“Serena, please...why didn’t you say something?”

Bernie’s voice is soft, softer than Serena has ever heard it, and despite everything, she feels pulled towards it. She looks towards her, and is saddened by what she sees, the almost disbelieving yet terrified look upon Bernie’s face. This is exactly why she hadn’t wanted to say anything to her partner.

“I was trying to protect you.”

Bernie closes the gap between them, sits herself onto the bed next to where Serena lays.

“That doesn’t matter, I would have wanted to be there to support you, help you...”

There is a quiet, helpless anger pressing up behind Serena’s eyes.

“No one can help me now.”

* * *

** This is down to both of us **

“Why did you come here?”

“I don’t know really. It felt like the right thing to do.”

Serena watches her, and Bernie finds herself turning away from the scrutiny.

“I miss you.”

“Bernie, I...”

“Please Serena, I need to say this.”

Serena saw the tormented look on the woman’s face, nodded her head in a gesture for her to continue.

“I knew it would hurt but after a while I didn’t think I would miss you. I know that’s not what most people say but I’ve spent half of my life away from people I care about. I didn’t think one more would make a difference. I was wrong.”

Bernie’s voice cracked as she stumbled over words.

“I just didn’t realise it would be so hard,” she whispered.

Serena moved to reach out to her and Bernie tensed as a hand slid down her arm. She looked out the window, still not turning to look at the other woman.

“You didn’t deserve to suffer because of me and you definitely didn’t deserve me treating you like I did.”

“Bernie...”

The former army medic finally turned towards Serena, but she refused to look her in the eyes.

“I screwed up and I don’t know what to do.”

“Bernie, look at me.” Serena asked forcefully. It was hard not to notice how exhausted the woman looked.

“Bernie you’ve got to stop blaming yourself for everything. This...” Serena gestured back and forth between them, “is down to both of us. Both of us being idiots at different times.”

“So, now what?” Bernie asked timidly.

“We talk.”

Bernie nodded, moving her hand to clasp Serena’s gently.

* * *

** We almost had it all **

As the downpour begun, Fleur watched as Serena slipped out of the car. For a moment she just wanted to feel alive in a world that was full of death and misery, she hadn’t expected the other woman to join her.

"I miss her," Serena spoke, finally breaking the silence that had built between them.

"I never got to tell it to her back, that I loved her."

Fleur nodded softly as she ran a hand through her wet hair.

"At least you know though, and I think deep down she knew too," she spoke as she reached out and pulled Serena to her to offer what little comfort she could.

* * *

** Mistaken Identity  **

It's been 5 years since Bernie’s death. Too long since Serena had last seen her and enough time that she swore she had forgotten how Bernie's voice sounded. But she was always there, in her mind in some way. She always would be and so maybe that's the reason while on a trip to Paris, when she’s leaving a little cafe by the river, she paused at the sight of a blonde woman sitting in a corner booth by herself.

Serena had to do a double take because the woman resembled her lost love so much and before she could make sense of what she was doing or second guess herself, Serena walked over and stopped in front of the booth.

"Bernie?" Serena asked feeling her breath catch in her throat because surely it couldn't really be her but then again, she couldn’t be sure that the numerous losses she had suffered over the years, weren’t finally catching up with her. But when the woman looked up at her, crinkled forehead in confusion Serena knew it wasn't the missed Trauma Surgeon.

"No," the woman smiled apologetically though she still looked confused. "I'm Kate. Kate Stewart," she said introducing herself and it took all Serena had not to fall apart right then and there. She fled as quickly as she could, wondering how she could have been so stupid to have mistaken some woman in a little cafe in Paris for Bernie.

* * *

** One last time **

“We can’t keep doing this."

Bernie shuffled uncomfortably where she sat.

“I know....Mind you it was never supposed to be this complicated.”

She makes the decision to leave, better to save themselves from any more pain.

“I shouldn’t have come here, it would be better for me to go.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Serena says, “We can have one last night, no?” She reaches out to the woman, can’t bear to see her walk away just yet.

“Please Bernie, just one last time… before I marry him,” Serena whispers.

One last kiss, one last touch, one last night. Bernie could only hold onto those moments as they kissed for the final time. Serena would take his name, and she would leave behind the Serena McKinnie Bernie had fallen in love with. One last time. That is what Bernie would hold onto, one last time.

* * *

** Not ready to let go **

Bernie sat on the uncomfortable sofa and held her wife’s hand. Serena stared off, looking outside the window into the garden, never looking at her. Every day it hurt, more than Serena would ever know and yet Bernie couldn’t bring herself to stop coming.

She would stay for hours, holding Serena’s hand, talking about anything and everything. It was always this way. If only once, Serena would turn and look at her. If only once, Serena would say her name then Bernie’s heart would be lighter.

“I think Cam and Charlotte are going to pay a visit this weekend, Jason too. Won’t that make you happy?” Bernie whispered.

It used to be the children that always brought Serena around, recognition flashing in her eyes but it had been some time since that sparkle showed.

“Please Serena, I’ll do anything, just talk to me.”

Bernie wept as she held tight to Serena’s hand, their rings clanking together. They did not have much time left in this world, and Bernie wanted every minute she could grasp of it. She was not ready for it to all end, she was not ready to let go just yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 small fics for you. One a little fluff another a bit of angst...

** **

** May I Have This Dance  **

Serena rushes out of the doors to the ballroom, escaping to the hotel gardens where she sits down on a nearby bench, not caring that she’s probably destroying her dress. Tears prick at her eyes as the image of Robbie trying it on with one of the servers replays in her mind. She buries her head in her hands, wishing that she could just go home and forget about the rest of the evening.

She hears footsteps making their way toward her, doesn’t need to look up to know who it.

“Go away Bernie, please I just want to be left alone” she mumbles into her hands.

But Bernie Wolfe was never one to take orders as she instead sits down right next to her. Serena sighs before turning to look at her friend. The next thing she knows, Bernie is wrapping her arm around her and Serena finds herself leaning into her. She closes her eyes as she listens to her heartbeat, letting the steady sound calm her down.

“I know 13 ways to kill someone with my bare hands...I won’t go that far but will you be annoyed if Robbie mysteriously ended up with a broken nose perhaps?” Bernie asks, breaking the silence. Serena can’t help but smile a little.

“Not really. But don’t. I don’t want you to get in trouble over him, he’s not worth it,” she replies. She’s mostly crying because of the humiliation of Robbie’s antics being witnessed by half the people she worked with.

“You’re worth it,” Bernie responds, causing Serena’s heart to flutter.

Sometimes she wished her best friend would stop saying things like that. Deep down she knew that she had feelings for Bernie still, but their time had come and gone.

_Hasn’t it?_

Maybe she should have been more upset with her relationship with Robbie coming to an end, but she knows she isn’t going to miss him. She didn’t love him. No, her heart already belonged to the blonde Trauma Surgeon who was sitting right next to her.

“You look beautiful tonight,” Bernie says suddenly, changing the subject.

“Thanks.” Serena feels the blush on her face and silently curses herself for her reaction. “Too bad I didn’t even get a dance.”

The next thing she knows, Bernie has stood up and is holding a hand out to her. She looks at her, the question of what she’s doing, written all over her face.

“Serena Campbell, may I have this dance?” Bernie asks, a little smile gracing her features.

“No,” she instantly responds because dancing with her best friend would not be good for her heart. Bernie raises her eyebrows and Serena can see the hurt flash across her eyes before she could hide it.

“I mean, we don’t even have music or anything-” she begins but stops when Bernie moves across the patio area to open the doors leading back into the ballroom. Immediately the rich sounds of the band filters out into the night. 

“Problem solved,” Bernie said smugly, holding her hand out towards Serena once more. She sighs, allowing the other woman to help her off the bench. Bernie wraps her arms around her waist and Serena automatically finds herself bringing her own arms around Bernie’s neck as they begin to slowly move in time with the music.

Minutes passed as they continue to dance, and Serena finds herself resting her head on Bernie’s shoulder, allowing her eyes to close. She sighs in contentment, holding on to Bernie a little tighter, wishing that they could stay like this forever.

“Serena,” the other woman says softly, causing her to look up. Her face is inches away from Bernie’s and it seems like time stops altogether. She watches as eyes flicker to her lips and then back to her own, silently asking permission. She barely nods before Bernie’s lips are meeting hers and she closes her eyes as the universe unravels.

Serena’s hand tangles in blonde tresses as she uses her strength to pull Bernie even closer to her, if such a thing was possible. They finally break apart after what feels like eternity but still isn’t long enough. Bernie’s eyes shimmer and she looks a bit dazed.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” she says, smiling.

“Me too,” Serena admits, her own smile mirroring her companion. Of course she has, it’s been that way ever since the Trauma Surgeon kissed her upon a theatre floor all those months ago.

“Can we do it again?” Bernie asks hopefully.

Serena laughs and then she’s the one to close the distance between them, sighing happily as she kissed the woman she loves. The woman who loves her back.

* * *

** Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. **

They look at her differently now, where their eyes hold pity, sorrow, hers hold only emptiness. She’s a walking tragedy, part of a love story shot to smithereens before all their eyes.

No one knows what to say to her, but she doesn’t care. There are no words, nothing anyone could do to make it better. The deep sense of loss doesn’t leave her. It follows her around every day, a shadow of darkness, always at her side. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to get rid of it.

She walks away from the crowd of mourners, walks amongst the gravestones, some weathered, others new. She wonders what Bernie’s will look like. What words will adorn the stone that marks her memory.

Serena knows she should be there with everyone else, grieving her loss amongst those who knew Bernie, but she’s all cried out, and she doesn’t want to share her grief amongst strange faces.

They all say that they understand, they’re hurting too, and Serena knows they are, but her pain is unbearable, and she wants no witnesses to her anguish.

She takes a seat on an old worn bench. When her eyes flutter closed, it’s Bernie’s face that is burned into the back of her eyelids. She finds it’s best when she sleeps, because then she’s there, hands on her face, words of comfort in her ear. It feels real, comforting and enough to allow her to get through the days. She always wakes up, and for a few precious moments all is ok, she thinks that Bernie will be there beside her. Then she feels the empty space beside her as shaking fingers reach for cold sheets. Then the tears come again as she relives the loss all over again.

The sky is blue and cloudless, a gentle breeze making the long grass at her feet sway gently. She thinks about Bernie up there somewhere, looking down on her, loving her from worlds away. She wishes she could believe it. Wonders if it would help if she did.

Someone’s calling her name, but she doesn’t reply. What do they expect her to say?

She’s here, cold and alone, slowly letting the sorrow chip away at her. She thinks she herself died in heart when she got the news, all that’s left now is her body.

A shadow passes over her and she opens her eyes, turning her head to see Charlotte beside her. Sad eyes staring into sad eyes. Bernie’s daughter doesn’t try to comfort her, doesn’t try to cajole her to go back with the rest of them, doesn’t say anything. It’s all been said before, and Serena knows better than anyone that it won’t be okay, things will never quite be the same as they were before. Loss does that to a person.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things haven't been great for our lovely fictional couple this year but the power of fandom allows us to forget all about that. Lets hope 2020 continues to bring us plenty of fics with our much loved surgeons.
> 
> With that i come with offerings of some new drabbles. 
> 
> Happy New Year to you all.

** I love you **

Serena completely panics and all but drags Fleur into an empty side room when she finally tracks her down.

“I don’t know what happened.”

“What do you mean?”

Serena just starts pacing and wringing her hands as she starts going through her morning before she came to work. Fleur is trying to work out what this is all for when her friend finally gets to the point.

“It was just a regular morning, you know, we woke up together, got dressed and she just grabbed a piece of toast for herself as I made breakfast. She then kissed me goodbye, told me she loved me, and I said I love you too before she went off to meet Cameron and Charlotte...”

“Oh...” Fleur begins to chuckle but stops when she sees the glare directed her way. She decides to take pity on the woman and put her out of her misery.

“You idiots have finally admitted what’s been on your minds for so long. You’ve been in love with each other ever since the Werewolfe went off to Kiev and it’s about time you all told each other.

* * *

Bernie says nothing, not to anyone, not even to Cameron and Charlotte when they ask her if she’s ok given how long she had been staring at nothing. As much as she loves her children, she is wishing for the clock to move a little quicker so she can at least get back to her flat and charge her phone. Today would have to be the day when she finds herself forgetting to plug the damn thing in the night before. Then again, she was all but distracted with the woman she had in her arms for most of it.

Deciding she can’t wait, she asks to borrow Cameron’s phone and excuses herself for a minute. She dials a well-known office number, her nerves, her hopes all but making it impossible for her to delay until she returns to the familiar homestead later.

“Serena Campbell.”

Bernie’s heart flies at the sound.

“It’s me. I just realised this morning… I wanted to say it again, Serena. I love you.”

“I love you, too Bernie. So very much.”

* * *

** Just a dream **

Bernie has never been screamer, no matter the situation, so when she jolts awake from her nightmare, she doesn’t make a sound. She just sits bolt upright, chest heaving as keen eyes try to adjust to the darkness around her, searching into the night for any signs of trouble, any sign of enemy attacks or possible explosions nearby.

But she only finds Serena’s bedroom, yesterday’s clothes slung over a chair in the corner, an oversized dressing gown on a hook on the back of the door, a glass of water on the nightstand because she always got thirsty in the middle of the night.

She’s safe, secure, home and so she doesn’t jump when a warm hand slides up along her arm to rest against her shoulder.

“Nightmare?” Serena asks, her voice full of sleep.

“I’m fine,” Bernie tells her.

“You’re shaking,” Serena whispers. There’s no judgment in her voice, only concern.

“I’m okay,” Bernie hears herself say.

She lowers herself back down into the bed, back down into Serena’s arms, where the women precedes to smooth away the hair off her forehead, kisses her jaw, her chin, her nose, her cheeks.

“You’re alright, Bernie. So is everyone else.”

“And you?”

“What about me?”

“You’re alright too?” Bernie asks, beginning to drift back into slumber.

Serena finds herself blinking back tears.

“Yes, my love. I’m alright, too.”

“Good.”

** I did my running **

“I screwed up, Bernie. I screwed up, and now you’re going to leave...”

“Wait, Serena, why the hell would I leave you?”

“You’ve done it before, when you went to the Ukraine– “

“Yes, because I was being stupid and I panicked, but Serena, you gave me another chance. I’m not going anywhere.”

Serena looks up at her, finally, lets her hands fall as her elbows balance on her spread knees.

“Then why did you come here if you didn’t want to get your stuff and leave?

Bernie kneels and takes Serena’s hands into hers.

“I came over to make sure you’re okay. To make sure we’re okay.”

“Bernie- “

“Serena, terrible things happen. In our line of work, they happen all the time. And sometimes, we react to those things. Sometimes, we react to those things publicly, in front of all our colleagues. It doesn’t mean you think any less of me, it was just a really bad day.”

Serena scoffs and wipes away a small tear and Bernie leans up and kisses her forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere, Serena. Not without you. I did my running, and now I’m done. Okay?”

“Okay.”

"Good, now come here."

Bernie spends the rest of the night making sure Serena knows that she's it, that there's no more running, she's finally found a home.


End file.
